Haunt

You'll awaken
Someday when it's too late
You'll suddenly find me gone.
Will my memory haunt you long?
Will you wake up at nights to my song?

A strange sensation
My thoughts circle 'round you.
Ignoring your cue you're near.
All through the workday I hear
If you'd treated me right I'd be here.
If you'd taken the time to be near
If your love was so right why the fear?
If you'd treated me right I'd be here.
If you'd taken the time to be near
If your love was so right why the fear?

©1997 Terry Moore

I see you.

Language is an interesting thing. The three words most people consider to be the upmost importance is “I love you.” But love is a slippery thing. The three words I most want to hear, and only if they are true, is “I see you.” Though love is a wonderful and beautiful thing, to be truly seen by someone as the person you really are, all your faults, all your virtues, and all your complexities, that is something truly life changing. I’m not sure if it’s even something that is possible, but I want it anyways. Beyond that, I want to be able to give it. I want to see people for what and who they really are, both good and bad. It is the combination of light and dark that creates beauty, and I want to see all of it. It’s rather esoteric and clichéd but perhaps in learning to see, one day, I will be seen.

This Mask I Wear

Sometimes your own words are inadequate. So today I'll use Terry Moore's.

This Mask I Wear

This mask I wear, you gave to me
One winter night beneath the trees,
Its black and blue enshrouds my life,
Surrounds my eyes and blinds my sight.

This mask I wear pretends I'm here,
and hides me from the awful fear
That you might find the heart of me
and take that too, beneath the trees.

This mask I wear to hide the pain.
It's all I have to keep me sane.
I just fell down, I'm told to tell.
There are no words to stop this hell.

This mask I pray to God for why
He hates me so to watch me die
A little more with every night
This man comes in and rapes my life.

But little girls grow up, my friend
And learn the wicked ways of men.
And this mask I wear comes off the day

This mask I wear lays on your grave.

Love, it's not over.

There are certain core belief’s people have and there are situations in life that challenge them. One of mine is that love is a gift. You should lovely people freely and without conditions or reservations. Living that is, as with everything, more difficult to actually do. However, life has presented me with opportunity. I’m in love with someone who, I’m fairly sure, doesn’t love me back…at least not in the way I would like. I’m sure he cares about me, but I’m not sure it’s love. I’m trying to be ok with that. I want to be ok with that. I realize that wanting to be loved is such in intrinsic part of human nature that I can not suppress that desire; however, I do not want him to feel obligated. Believing that love is a gift is easy. Freely loving someone who doesn’t return that love is a challenge. I’m actually glad for it. He says that there is no such thing as a self-less act. Perhaps he’s right. People do things that are charitable for their own reasons. I just don’t think those reasons are always mercenary. I do have my own personal reasons for making sure he knows I love him and putting up with a lot of his issues. Regardless of how this relationship ends, I can learn from it and be a stronger person for it. Also I genuinely wish him to be happy, even if that means he moves on to someone else. I, very much, want to be a positive influence in his life. As long as I can still have him in my life as a friend, I can accept that and be happy.

How does this work with already having a husband. Well, love is infinite. The idea that people can only love a select few at any given time is ridiculous. I love my husband, deeply and dearly. I love my family, even though we have serious issues. Loving multiple people, even in a romantic sense, isn’t that difficult. Love is infinite. Time is not. When you’re someone with poor time management skills, it can make things difficult. But knowing that the problem is about time management and not love makes things easier to deal with. My husband knows I love him just as I don’t doubt he loves me.

Love is a gift and it is infinite. Core beliefs I think I can live up too.

Crash and Burn

Well it’s over. What I had hoped would grow into a deep and loving relationship, crashed and burned even more spectacularly then I thought it would. It hurts to find out you were strung along for a number of complicated psychological reasons. None of which had anything to do with you. After weeks of chasing after him, putting up with him being selfish and inconsiderate, and at times, mean. I was blind to the fact that he didn’t want me. He was too wrapped up in himself to see me as anything other then ditz who was reasonably good in bed. That wouldn’t hurt so badly if he hadn’t gone out of his way to try and make me think otherwise. I thought he liked me as much as I liked him, however, he didn’t even know me and neither does he see me as someone worth trying to know. Its not that I believe him, but having someone you care about think you’re completely worthless, hurts. There was a fight and I said some fairly mean things. I have a temper I do that. But I wasn’t the only one, and if you’re going to brag about how bad your temper is, sooner or later you’re going to get some of your own back. At one point he said he wanted to make people feel as angry and as miserable as he was. He succeeded. I’m not sure he’ll ever understand the pain he caused. I’m not sure he even cares. The truly sad thing is…I think love him, still.

Secrets

Secrets are curious things. There are times when ‘full disclosure’ is not the kind thing to do. I question whether or not it’s always the right thing to do. One thing I do know is once the decision to keep the secret is made, you don’t change your mind. For good or ill, you can't just tell people after the fact. But they are heavy things…secrets. There are situations that outsiders, or ever the people involved, don’t always understand. That are far more complicated then you can articulate. Do you keep those secrets…even from the people involved? If you do tell them, how do you express things that are even confusing to yourself? Or is it best to not tell anyone? The answers are never easy, and I’m not even sure there is a ‘right’ one. But I think I can handle a little extra weight.

Dating?!

It is interesting at times, how the life experiences you miss out on when you’re younger, show up later in life. I never really dated in high school. I never really dated, ever, actually. The one big relationship I had in my life ended in marriage. Despite this, I have always been the one to be asked and give relationship advice. I’m not entirely certain as to why, but apparently I give good advice. However, saying and doing are two entirely different things. What brings this all to the forefront of my consciousness is I met a guy. Being of the poly persuasion, this does not have the world shaking affects on my marriage that you would think. My husband actually finds it fairly amusing. However, this is causing a great deal of pondering on my part. Normally this wouldn’t be that big a deal, but there are feelings involved. This guy is different. Now, I could live with him being just a casual thing, but I would be very unhappy about it. You’d think I would have learned after the…less then happy ending of my husband’s relationship with his girlfriend, but you’d be wrong. For the first time, in a long, I’m worried about whether he likes me. About how should I behave…you’d think I was in high school. It is, at the same time, both annoying and a little exciting. I always thought that the idea of being so twitterpatted that you had a hard time communicating was a TV trope. But it isn’t. *sigh* Yes…it’s true, there is guy out there the makes me have difficulties saying stuff. It’s rather amazing, really. What I really need to do is stop whinging on about it, just enjoy myself. He’s a wonderful man, and it’s worth it.